


walk away now. he's a dumbass

by hoyayaho



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Aged-Up Kuroo Tetsurou, Aged-Up Sawamura Daichi, Alyssa Haiba, Angst, Angst with a sad ending, Break Up, Falling Out of Love, Fluff, Insecurity, M/M, Song: First Burn (Hamilton), Time-Skip, im sorry :), implied infidelity but none
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:02:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25277386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoyayaho/pseuds/hoyayaho
Summary: A songfic with HAMILTON'S FIRST BURN---“Sawamura, I love you.”“I don’t.” Lies.“It’s you. Who would ever love you?”“You loved me.”“And I was a fool for that.”“Do you really regret falling in love with me so much?”Sawamura paused. “Yes.” More lies.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	walk away now. he's a dumbass

**Author's Note:**

> Woooooo Kuroo's come home. AND THAT KURODAI MOMENT!!!!! Chap 401 said KuroDai rights :> I started writing this even before Chap 401 came out and it just happened to be a coincidence but woohoo 😙✌️

_“_ **_Don't take another step in my direction. I can't be trusted around you._ ** _”_

Sawamura’s words rang in Kuroo’s head as he looked back and forth at Sawamura’s raised palm and face. But he knew. He knew that beneath Sawamura’s hardened expression was a hurting soul. His eyes betrayed him- eyes that were as warm as chocolate on a winter night, as deep as the earth’s soil after a spring’s rain, as delicate as the vase on their dining table. _A housewarming gift from her._

The day he had seen Sawamura leading his team during the practice match, even though they kept losing, with that look in his eyes, was the day Kuroo realised he had fallen in love, with those eyes and with the owner of those eyes. 

Those eyes that were always begging him to stay were telling him to leave today. 

“Sawamura, listen to me.”

Sawamura closed his eyes and shook his head, willing himself to not listen, as he brought his now curled fist down. He turned towards the door slowly, silently telling Kuroo to leave. The hardened look on his face melted into one of nonchalance, as if they were not having a break up and instead, were just waiting for the bus. But of course his eyes still had the same pain in them. Sawamura could change his expression a thousand times and Kuroo would still know how he was feeling. It was something he prided himself in, from day 1.

**_Don't think you can talk your way into my arms, into my arms._ **

“Sawamura, for fuck’s sake, can you please talk to me?” 

Talk to me, he says, as if for the past few months, Sawamura had not been tirelessly trying to talk to him. 

Kuroo had changed so much that Sawamura felt like he did not know him anymore. Who was this man standing in front of him, getting so aggressive that he was raising his voice, something he rarely ever did? Where was the man he had fallen in love with four years ago at a gymnasium in Tokyo during their Golden Week holidays as 3rd years? Where was the man who used to travel for hours just to see him? Where was the man Sawamura travelled for hours on multiple school weekends for?

**_I don’t know who you are._ **

When did it all start to go wrong? Was it because they were in a long distance relationship? No, it cannot be that. If that were the case, Tsukishima and Kageyama would have broken up long ago. Not only was Tsukishima in a long distance relationship with a pro-athlete but also their relationship was a secret. And they were doing fine. In fact, they were doing great. Much better than Kuroo and Sawamura who were just normal folks.

_Was it because of [ ]?_

In the first two years of their relationship, the only time they ever got to stay together for a long time was during Golden Week, which also happened to be when they first met. They would come as alumni, to watch their baby crows and kittens who they had mentored grow up and become the mentees. 

It was in their first year as alumnus, for the first time since their nationals match, Sawamura saw pride on Kuroo’s face.

Pride. Being so proud of someone, one smiles till their cheeks hurt, Being so proud of someone their eyes glisten while looking at them. Being so proud of someone that telling them that they are proud of them becomes difficult because their words carry so much weight and sincerity it was hard to say it without choking up. That kind of pride and it was towards Kenma- third year team captain Kenma instructing his team before their practice match against Karasuno. 

The following year, Sawamura saw that look again. This time, towards third year team captain Lev. He understood the feeling though. The immense pride he felt seeing Yamaguchi, who had grown from being an unsure and hesitant baby crow to a now more confident team captain, and Ennoshita, who had struggled with accepting himself because of his past mistakes stepping up and lead the team, were sights he was glad he was able to witness.

“You were a blithering idiot when you first came. Still are. Just a bit lesser.” 

“Look who’s talking. Take this from someone who’s been his teammate for three years.” As if for extra effect, Yaku leaned in before whispering, “ _Walk away now. He’s a dumbass.”_

Who would have thought years later, those passing remarks he had laughed at, would become so relevant.

“I’m tired, Kuroo. I’m tired. I’m tired of turning around to tell you something only to see you staring at someone else. At Kenma. At Alyssa. At literally anybody but me.”

“Kenma and I are not like that. We’re like you and Sugawara. You know that!” It was brief but unfortunately for Kuroo, Sawamura had seen it- the split second when he clenched his fists. Anger. Again. 

_He didn’t justify his relationship with Alyssa._

Instead of warmth and bliss, Sawamura’s hand felt like it was on fire as the sunbeams filtered in through the open window. The white blinds danced with the wind, giving a rather serene feeling, contrary to the turmoil raging inside the both of them. 

“I’m not doubting your relationship with him,” he said, letting out an exhausted sigh. He turned away and looked at the white curtains. It was another gift of hers. 

Why could Kuroo not see the cause for Sawamura’s pain even though it was all around them, in their own house?

“When was the last time you complimented me? When was the last time we went out on date? When was the last time you looked at me? Properly?” With each question, Sawamura took one step forward until he was looking up, right at Kuroo’s distraught face.

“I am looking,” Kuroo whispered, voice wavering. Hesitation. Uncertainty.

A sad smile graced Sawamura’s face. With that tone of his, let alone trying to convince Sawamura, Kuroo would not even be able to convince himself. He knew things had changed but to think it had changed this much. 

**_I have seen the way you look at_ ** **_my ~~sister~~_ ** **_Alyssa._ **

The first time he realised things had changed was a year ago, when Alyssa transferred into the same university as Kuroo. Every time they called, all Kuroo ever talked about was Alyssa. As he had not seen her in a long time and also happened to be the only one she knew in that neighbourhood, they hung out together a lot which caused him to talk about many things that included her. Sawamura understood. 

Their relationship had been going steadily so he did not feel insecure about this. At least, that’s what he thought. However, without knowing when, as more time passed, apprehension creeped in, starting from his chest, to his throat, and then, to his mind. His mind told him not to worry but his guts? His guts told him to worry. Sawamura, ever so rational Sawamura, decided to go with his mind. First mistake. 

His second mistake happened a few months later. That period of time never treated Kuroo well in all their years of dating so Sawamura decided to go to meet him and help support him. His heart ached as he remembered when he went to Kuroo’s university, expecting to see a stressed out Kuroo, like all the other years, only to see his face glowing with happiness, Alyssa by his side and a barely existent gap between the two. Even from a distance, Sawamura could tell their shoulders were touching, with their hands occasionally brushing against each other. As he watched the scene unfold in front of him, he could not help but think about how while he had been bracing the autumn wind, Kuroo and Alyssa were sharing each other’s warmth. How while he spent days staying up to complete his work to free up time for Kuroo, Kuroo was doing just fine without him. 

That day, Sawamura became fully aware of the gap between them. Against his will, his thoughts ran in a direction he did not want it to. Kuroo was the only thing on Sawamura's mind but it was not the same for Kuroo.

Before he could spiral even more, he smacked his cheeks with his cold, icy long fingers. He was Sawamura Daichi. He knew Kuroo loved him and he loved Kuroo. That was all there was to know. There was no need to doubt and overthink. 

Despite everything he told himself, for some reason, before Kuroo could catch sight of him, he found himself hiding. In a daze, he bought a ticket for the first bus out, to who knows where. He just wanted to leave. Needed to leave. Perhaps Lady Luck had taken pity on him and the bus happened to be the one headed towards Miyagi. 

Daichi slowly came back to his senses as he stared out of the window, staring at the rich hues of red blended with orange, purple, and yellow. His shoulders relaxed as he looked at the silhouettes of birds flying home, remembering that he too was going home. The fading tightness on his sun kissed face almost made it seem like the troubles from earlier were nothing but an illusion. Was the universe being merciful by blessing him with such a beautiful sight albeit it did nothing but to dull the ache in his heart by a miniscule? He did not know but he appreciated it.

Third time’s the charm. 

All this while, he was lying to nobody but himself. He was not okay. The heartbreak he had felt that day, it hurt more than the heartbreak he was experiencing while arguing with Kuroo. The heartbreak of going to a highschool reunion dinner with his long term boyfriend who he had recently moved in with, only to realise the whole time he was looking at someone else.

The heartbreak of realising the look he was giving her was the look he used to give him. 

The heartbreak of realising he had not seen that look directed at him in months. 

**_From the moment I saw you, I knew you were mine. You said you were mine. I thought you were mine._ **

By the time they left the restaurant, it was already almost midnight. The stars were so brilliant, they drew the eyes heavenbound. However, as if the universe was playing a cruel joke on him, within minutes, streams of gray the colour of ash and soot covered the sky. The stars that hung above them slowly disappeared out of sight and all that was left was the bright moon that fought to shine through. An unsuccessful battle unfortunately. Sawamura licked his cracked lips before pressing them together and wrapped his jacket around him tighter, bracing the cold gusts of wind coming his way. What a cold and dark night. 

How befitting. 

It was often said that night came as a reward of tranquility to a restless soul but if anything, Sawamura just felt worse. A dunken Alyssa leaned on to Kuroo as the two laughed away in their own little world, their laughters reverberating into the night sky. Sawamura was right there, right next to them, but he felt invisible. He felt as if he was the third wheel. 

As the distance between Kuroo and Alyssa decreased, the distance between Kuroo and Sawamura increased. Was it just a small gap that had formed between them or had an unbreakable brick wall been built between them? 

**_I saved every letter you wrote me._ **

When they first started dating and Kuroo insisted on mailing each other a letter every month, Sawamura thought he was being cheesy and old fashioned. Before he knew it, seeing that ugly green envelope in his stack of mails became something he looked forward to every month. That is, apart from meeting Kuroo.

After moving in together, they stopped exchanging letters. Sawamura still continued writing though. It became a habit to write his letter and then tuck it away in a box. One would think they would have collected dust over time but Sawamura occasionally took them out, along with the letters Kuroo wrote for him, to read them. _Whenever Kuroo made him sad._

“Sawamura, I love you.” 

His chin trembled as he said those words. Fear turned into confusion. What was he confused about? Why was this situation and conversation happening? No. He was confused with himself. Was he mixing up duty with love?

“I don’t.” _Lies._

“It’s you. Who would ever love you?”

“You loved me.”

“And I was a fool for that.”

“Do you really regret falling in love with me so much?”

Sawamura paused. “Yes.” _More lies._

“I’m tired, Kuroo. Of this. Of us.” He said, flailing his hands around, gesturing to the surroundings before pointing at himself, Kuroo, and back to himself again. A silence fell over them as he looked down at the floor, pondering over whether he should really say what he was about to say next.

He inhaled before staring emptily at Kuroo. 

“Of you.”

**_I'm erasing myself from the narrative._ **

What was making him say these things? Anger? A broken heart? Sawamura did not know anymore. Months and months of seeing Kuroo make an effort for someone else while he tirelessly made efforts for Kuroo had made him become like _this_. He was already in transition to becoming a person he never wanted to be. 

_Cold. Bitter. Ugly._

All that was left was a hollow and pathetic excuse of the once ever so confident captain of Karasuno High School. 

_No wonder he doesn't love me anymore._

A silence so thick it felt suffocating fell over them again. Sighing, Kuroo walked to their room. A few minutes later, he came out with a potted cactus plant in his hands. _The last gift he had bought for Sawamura before everything started to change._

“Sawamura, do you know the symbolism of a cactus?”

He shook his head. 

Again, he lied. Searching up its meaning was the first thing he had done after getting it. 

_My heart burns with love._

Kuroo took a step forward, carefully placing the pot onto the table next to them. He reached out his hand, as if to brush Sawamura’s cheek but before he could, Sawamura slapped it away. 

“I don’t want to know. I just want you to leave.” Sawamura was losing his mind. Before he could register what he was doing, he had picked up the pot and smashed it to the ground.

_Broken._

It was as if the loud crash had broken Kuroo out of his calm, in denial trance. Before they knew it, a hurricane of harsh insults were being thrown at each other. Blow after blow. Every word uttered felt like a punch. A punch to the gut. A punch to the cheek. They were saying anything. Their muscles tensed more and more as they yelled their lungs out, unable to stop. Ticking bombs. That’s what they were. 

This was not what Sawamura was expecting. Why was Kuroo fighting so hard to make him stay? Sawamura wanted to give Kuroo the freedom he so desperately needed. He knew Kuroo would never cheat on him which is why tying Kuroo down to this relationship even though his feelings had faded would end up hurting both of them. Sawamura knew. And perhaps this argument was evidence of that- punishment for staying quiet all this while and holding Kuroo back. 

_Why won’t he let me help him? I am trying to help him. I am trying to leave._

“Stop,” Sawamura finally said with a cracked voice. No matter how hard he tried to look strong, he was crumbling. He thought he would be able to hold on till they split but the conversation lasted longer than he expected. It was surprising he even managed to hold on till now. 

“We need to stop.” Both of them looked around. Soil and broken shards dotted the white marble floor of their apartment. With Kuroo out for the past few days and Sawamura losing motivation to do anything, the laundry was undone, the dishes were unwashed, the floor was gathering dust, and food wrappers littered the house. Their house was a mess. 

“If you’re not leaving, I’ll just leave. I’ll come back to take my things another time. Maybe, it’s time-” 

“What. Why’d you pause?”  
  


“It’s nothing. I just want to leave.” _Maybe, it’s time for you to experience what it feels like to have to wait alone in an empty house for a man who is too busy enjoying his time with the new love of his life with no idea when they will be back._

Kuroo still believed there was hope. A possibility of Sawamura staying. Like a child, he reached his hands out, fingers extended, towards that small glimmer of hope. He believed that Sawamura would come back if he just cleared the misunderstandings. What possessed him to say the next few words, he did not know but before he could process what he was saying, he found the name ‘Alyssa’ rolling off his tongue.

_Alyssa. Alyssa. Alyssa. Sawamura thought he was in love with Alyssa._

The sad expression that had disappeared from Sawamura’s face returned. Once again, his lips curled upwards, into a sad smile as he looked at a devastated Kuroo. 

Kuroo’s throat tightened. It was not true. He had misunderstood the situation. The one he loved was Sawamura, not Alyssa. He wanted to say it all but no matter how hard he tried, the words would not come out.

_Why? Why can’t I speak? I’m going to lose Sawamura forever._

_What if Sawamura’s right? What if you really do like Alyssa?_

_Sawamura has always known me better than I even knew myself. He would know what I wanted to eat even before I knew. Was he right? Had I just not noticed?_

_It’s precisely because Sawamura knows you so well that you cannot let him go. You stood for hours in front of Karasuno High School to ask Sawamura out._

_I love him._

_Loved._

_No. I still love him. I do…_

Kuroo groaned while taking frantic breaths. It felt like the air had suddenly left his lungs. The pain throbbed so violently around his skull that it felt like his skull had been cracked open. As he slowly dropped to the ground, his eyes shut tight, with palms pressed against his temples. His stomach lurched as the voices in his head grew louder, vomit threatening to come out. He kneeled forward in an attempt to silence the voices in his mind. There were so many voices. How could he still be breathing when he felt like that?

Kuroo’s head was still downturned but he could hear the sound of Sawamura’s footsteps becoming fainter. _He was leaving. No please wait._ Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes before he heard it again. Footsteps. And they were getting louder as the seconds passed.

When the sound stopped, he opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was a pair of feet. He looked up slowly, only to see Sawamura looking down at him, a glass of water in one hand and a clenched fist. He was holding tablets. 

_Why is he still so kind to me, even though he is breaking up with me? It hurts._

Kuroo took the tablets, brushing his fingers against Sawamura’s long, calloused fingers. He knew this was the last time he would ever be able to touch these fingers. These hands that he had held numerous times was something he had taken for granted. 

When was the last time they held hands? _No wonder he wants to break up. I left him alone to rot away. He is too good for me._

He interlocked his fingers with Sawamura’s as a silent tear streamed down his face. Sawamura leaned his forehead against Kuroo’s as they both closed their eyes, fingers interlocked, savouring the moment. This was goodbye. 

Sawamura pulled away before straightening up and turning around. Without looking back even once, he walked towards the door. The fingers that were interlocked with Kuroo a few seconds ago held on to the cold handle of the door and with his back against them, Sawamura said his last words to Kuroo.

“Goodbye Kuroo.” 

_I want you to be happy.You will never be able to be happy by my side. You do not love me anymore._

With those last words, he closed the door, leaving Kuroo in the silence of their house and his thoughts. The sound of the door closing echoed in the silence. Kuroo wanted to chase after him. Kuroo begged his legs to get up and work. They did not. All he could do was stare at the door Sawamura left through, with no “I’ll be back”, “ See you later” or “I love you”. Just a goodbye. Was this his body unintentionally telling him to let Sawamura go by not moving? So that Sawamura could leave and find someone more worthy of his love? 

To think he would remember Yaku’s words now, as he laid on the ground, struggling to get up, with tears dribbling down his cheeks. _Walk away now. He’s a dumbass._

**_If you thought you were mine._ **

**_Don't._ **

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this!! 💕 I hope you enjoyed it :")
> 
> just to clarify, kuroo! did! not! cheat! i would nvr write kuroo as a cheating scumbag. but he was slowly losing feelings for daichi and developing feelings for someone new (alyssa) so just to be safe, it's in the tags :)
> 
> im here on [twt](https://twitter.com/oyaoho) :)


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